Oh, Cancer
You scare us, lurking around corners, shivering along spines, slipping into blood, burrowing into bowels
Five years ago I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. It was a difficult time, as this poem alludes. I did little writing, except to post updates to a list of friends. The day finally came when there was no evident cancer in my body, and it has so far remained that way. I knew some day it would show up in Come With Me. This is the time.
Come with me, get a glimpse of what cancer means to me.
Oh, Cancer
Cancer
You surprised me
Came into my life with a loud roar
Turned it upside down
Upended assumptions
Changed me in ways I’m still discovering
You dumped me into the medical system
During a pandemic
Seemingly heartless and cruel
I just wanted to live well
Be there for my people
Everyone trying to survive
This pandemic
A medical system
Treats problems
By excising or medicating
Treatments that can solve the problem
Offering other effects deemed worthwhile
This cancer in my body
Disallowed the elimination of solid waste
Surgery allowed this to resume
Cancer grows and spreads within a body
Much like covid-19 grew and spread
Across the earth
Further interventions were needed
Radiation and chemotherapy
Major surgery to remove
Visible cancer tissue
This was not enough
Metastases appeared
More chemo, further radiation
Then finally the necessary shrinkage
Two and a half years
Condensed into fourteen lines of a poem
Time filled with uncertainty
Pain, fatigue, self-protection
And love
Shrinkage signalled a chemo break
Learning to live with no cancer
No treatments
Changed but manageable bowels
Learning to live with the ever present:
Cancer may return
Living in gratitude for every new day
Every clear scan
Another two years pass
My body begins to change
Faster than its age
Some of these things have calmed down
Reduced to something with minor effect
Each change I wonder
Of the impact of cancer treatments
Last night it was spoken clearly
You have compression fractures in your spine
Most likely caused by cancer treatments
These vertebrae
The strong bones that hold up my torso
Are not so strong
With inherited bone density loss
And cancer treatments
They have become weak enough to compress
There are more drugs
With their own side effects
Oh, cancer
It’s been almost five years
Since I became aware of you
Growing wild in my body
I have never hated you
I did not name you Enemy
I mourned the losses
Celebrated the love that remained
Oh, cancer, you demon
You have your place
In a strange, wild way
You enhanced my life
My body holds my life-force
It keeps me here
Among all I love
On the body of our Mother Earth
My body may struggle
It may weaken and crumble
But as I get to know this vessel
As I find my place among all
The other bodies
Mammals, plants, rock, fungi
I begin to celebrate my essence
As part of the Great Wild
Mysterious and alive
Tough to read. Thanks for sharing, Trish.
Trish, would love to connect!